It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
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Do I have a choice?
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Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize