your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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