just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
