Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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