yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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