my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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