The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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