We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
