watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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