I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
