I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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