It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I AM VODKA MAN
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
