i would punch a child for taco bell
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
