The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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