I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
