I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
