I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
