don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
