I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
