dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
literally had 100 drinks last night.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
