Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
