i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
