She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
