anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
