life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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