Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
