you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
