she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
