i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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