I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
