So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
