I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
and you fell through a lawn chair
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
All the doctor said was why
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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