tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
