I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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