i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
