I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
