How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
