i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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