you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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