I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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