i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
