i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
