you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
