Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
