If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The struggles of a small town man whore
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
