Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
