Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize