I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
