New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
