life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
This toilet bowl is my home.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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