The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
