separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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