If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize