oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
