I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
