Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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