Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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