Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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