My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
