I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize