My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize